WUNRN
FATHERHOOD
IN ISLAM
By Dr.
Tariq Ramadan
Professor
of Contemporary Islamic Studies
University of Oxford, UK
It
is important for Muslims to have a discussion about fatherhood while keeping in
mind the ever-fragile state of Muslim families. We need to re-assess the
language we use and the ontological assumptions we make when we speak about the
role of the father because often, the problem doesn’t just lie with the crisis
but the way we deal with it.
Muslims naturally feel inclined to place the mother at the centre of the
process of raising children, unwittingly ignoring the father’s role. Islamic
tradition does stress the role of the mother. For example, when asked who a
Muslim should love most, the Prophet Muhammad said, “Your mother, your mother,
your mother and then your father.” It is also said that paradise lies at the
feet of the mother. As a result, we tend to focus on the father as an
individual, not as someone who should and can play a central role within his
family.
When we assess issues from an Islamic perspective, we categorise everything
according to “rights” and “duties”. We speak of the rights of the man, the
rights of the woman, the duties of the man, the duties of the woman. This
mentality is dangerous. It reduces issues to black and white, right and wrong
absolutes. This approach is more prevalent than we realise. We must take from
all the human sciences that can deal with family problems.
Another problem in our approach is the idealism. We speak about an idealised
past and idealised families which have nothing to do with reality, whether it
be now or the history of our ancestors. Muslims must realise we may be Muslims,
but we may also live in Western societies and therefore, face the same
problems as other families.
There are various reasons why we are facing this crisis of the family.
1.) Immigration
Immigration is a very difficult process because it involves uprooting
oneself from a familiar cultural environment and transplanting oneself in a
foreign land. Many immigrants fear that if they adapt to their host culture,
they will lose their own. This rarely lasts because the peer pressure and
constant bombardment of the host culture inevitably has an effect on children.
We have to find healthier and more comfortable ways to effectively interact
with the dominant culture.
2.) Unemployment
Many Muslim fathers are unemployed. The inability to fulfil the traditional
role of bread-winner and protector destroys the self-confidence of a father in
a very profound way. This is not just a Muslim problem. In fact, many problems
face by European-Muslim families have nothing to do with Islam so why do we
remain afraid to search for solutions outside our faith?
What is the way forward?
We need to creatively tap into Islamic values for solutions because that is
what Muslim families are most likely to be receptive to. The father is more
than just an individual. He can play an important role, far beyond that of just
the financial protector. The Prophet Muhammad himself was a role model as a
father. When his own daughter would come to him, he would stand up out of
respect for her, as people in traditional societies often do. We have forgotten
these aspects of the Prophetic example. We are replacing these values with an
obsession with enforcing rights and duties. That is what is destroying the
spirit of the family.
But what does fatherly authority mean in the Islamic tradition? Is it all
about saying yes or no to the actions of your children? Many fathers miss the
opportunity to educate their children and accompany them through life. An
absentee father spends long hours working or engaged in voluntary community
service, at the expense of time with his family. Muslims keep saying the
Islamic tradition cares for wholesome family life but Muslims themselves are
having a difficult time upholding these values because we have lost our grasp
of what it means to be a good Muslim and a good parent.
Fathers sometimes have poor relationships with their children. There is lack
of dialogue, tenderness and affection. Also, feeling uncomfortable in his
social surroundings can add to disengagement at home as he tries to grapple
with his insecurities. We need local and dynamic social policies which will
counter this problem. For example, in the Mauritan Islands, a scheme is
underway whereby fathers are told their children will be taken care of if
fathers attend training workshops several times a year.
Muslim families need to share experiences with those who share the same
problems. We need to be open and learn from different sources, including
non-Muslim ones. We need to take the best from mainstream psychology and social
studies and incorporate these into solutions custom-made to help Muslim
families. We don’t necessarily have to integrate into society by abandoning our
heritage, but rather, integrate the positive things we learn from society into
our lives.
What we need to do is not to name and shame. Don’t look for the guilty
people – look for solutions. We need grassroots workers working between
families, even mosques, people who are rooted in Islam and connected to
reality, the goodness of Muslim values and family.
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